NothingSacred

My Pride and Joy

Ok, so last week I found this adorable little chicken-coop style cubby thing at the local antiques mega-store.  Not knowing what to do with it right off, I left without it. Two days later it occurred to me that it would perfectly house my ribbons and bows and wrapping whatnots. Of course when I went back for it some lucky person had snatched it up.

But maybe the luck was mine, for now I have unleashed what few new was inside me. No, not the inner bitch, you all know that's there. No, I found my inner carpenter! That's right, I spent the holiday weekend with a circular saw, some nails and paint and a hammer.  Behold! My creation!

It stands up! It isn't wobbly!  I'm so proud of myself, I just can't tell you! That's right, my crafting life has just opened up another door. Although I think I'll stick with this, ahem, "primitive" styling of things for a bit! 

Hola!

A find by the inimitable Edna.  This happy little box of dried LIpton soup was sent to me after her trip to Puerto Rico, where, clearly, she found gold!

Meet Los Liptons! Your family, too, can take on a hard, plastic shine if you feed them this "special edition" soup! 

I just can't tell you how happy this packaging makes me. It almost leaves me at a loss for words. Almost.

Now, I've never spent an appreciable amount of time in Puerto Rico (although I did spend more time than I'd like in a customs holding cell explaining to the Feds why my mother was carrying so much cash into the country... long story... but let's just say that I lucked out of the body cavity search and eventually the US Customs office returned the money they'd taken for "evidence".), so I really can't speak to what sells there.  But I do wonder what their issue is with using live models at their photo shoots.  

Maybe the budget didn't allow actual breathing subjects for this shot. Perhaps the photographer they'd booked for this project finds live models just too uncooperative. Maybe they had those perfect wigs, so flawlessly groomed, laying about and they just couldn't resist using them. Either way, I'm curious how the project director over at Lipton made the logical jump to photograph mannequins as representatives of a family so ideal they were willing to share their brand name with them.

At any rate, enjoy the bizarre-ity of it all. It is nearly perfect post-modern surrealism. And it is available at el mercado. Sweet. 

A purposeful room-- amazing changes!

Oh yes. I see the huge improvement now. Pick the shit up off the floor, move the couch and its a miracle! Now instead of shooting myself in the head if I were forced to spend an afternoon in this room, I might choose a more leisurely route... like hanging. What a perfect place to while away an afternoon, reading Plath, making sure there is enough Prozac left in the bottle...

Ok, really?!?! A professional decorator had a hand in this? Really? And not even a rug or a curtain or a coat of paint? (It looks like in this scan that the "After" room is painted a sad little yellow, like the white had wilted and given up, but I think that was just the scan. On the original, it appeared the exact same boring white.) I didn't include it, but the lady who pulled off this "purposeful room" had her picture run alongside it. Boy, I bet her phone is just ringing off the hook! Blech!

The Loons have Landed

As I write this, protestors to the Democratic National Convention have taken over the streets of Denver, shutting down traffic as they march from the Capitol to the Convention Center. 

For months now our local stations have been talking about protestors to the DNC and the city has been running classes on how to correctly run protests and demonstrations. Whenever I saw the stories about this I'd roll my eyes and wonder why they were bothering. I mean, I can understand that those sorts of things might be needed in St. Paul, MN where certainly the Republican National Convention will be protested, as is tradition.  But Republicans demonstrating outside the DNC? Are they retarded? Republicans don't march in the street.  When Republicans gather en masse it is for things like, say, football games. 

So I thought, maybe, there might be a couple groups, pathetically small and laughably ineffective, that would protest the DNC. Maybe a group of anti-abortion bible-thumpers. Maybe a rag tag group of right-wing anti-government gun loving types.  I figured their numbers would top out at a scraggly 30 or 40 if they were lucky. It would be rather embarrassing at the lack of groundswell support. Republicans just don't have it in 'em to congregate in the hot sun and scream and stamp their feet.  

So imagine my surprise this morning when the news cut to hoards of angry protestors taking over our fair city, and then imagine my amusement to hear the demonstrators protesting the Democratic National Convention are... Democrats. 

I knew Republicans couldn't organize a protest.

With super-star protest speakers like super-mom Cindy Sheehan and the "esteemed" Ward Churchill, banging their angry little war drums about ending the war in Iraq and ending US occupation. But get this, they're not just anti-occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan, no, they are calling for the US to pull out their occupying forces in locales like Hawaii.  Yeah, you read that right. They want to end the occupation of the US's fiftieth state. You know, the one that voted to be in the union in 1959, sixty some-odd years after voting to be a US territory after they'd overthrown their monarchy. Yeah. That Hawaii.  

Because I'm sure all our island-y brethren are all pumped up about "reclaiming their sovereignty" and mustering up their own Army and all.  Yeah. Their calls for "Freedom!" ring through the air like grass-skirted William Wallaces.  Just like the good folks in Guam and the US Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico. All crying under the oppressive tyranny of Uncle Sam.  

Looks to me like this "Recreate '68" rally these tin-foil-hatted fucksticks are throwing is overlooking one obvious thing, and by God, I'm not going to stand by and let them forget it: its time to end the occupation in Kansas! Enough is enough! 

  

On My Wishlist

Ok, so we'd been drinking.  A lot. At least for me, an out-of-practice mama.  But that's not to say that alcohol-induced ideas are by definition bad ones, especially since this one is sooo, sooo good.  

After pulling off my first successful surprise party (for TOM's graduation-- yahoo!), a few of us couples brought the party back to the casa.  We were sitting in my studio, which, not to sound stuck up or anything, is a crafty girl' paradise (and probably why I find it the most peaceful spot around... theboys don't naturally congregate there).  Anyway, could've been my friend May, maybe it was Natalie... (definitely got approval from Claudia) one of them, was looking longingly around at the stacks of fabric ant he sewing machine, the bags of beads and spools of wire, the scissors, the tools, the computer with the fancy printer... and we had the Ipod going with music that speaks to ladies of a certain age (re: not that damn old!).. and one of them suggested it: Studio time.  Just ladies. Doing whatever they want (I have enough unused supplies here to start my own art school). A bottle of wine or two. Some nice cheese maybe. Some chocolate. A might away from the kids to work on whatever project you want to do. Brilliant. A modern day sewing circle.  

I'm in ladies. I'm in.  All I gotta do is clean up some of this mess, and find a babysitter, and it is crafty heaven.   Oh, yeah. I'm feelin' it. 'Course, after he wine wears off and I realize how much organizing I'll have to do to have you all over... well, that just might be more than I'd thought it would be.  Maybe I should post before an dafter pics of that project! Now THERE would be real change! 

Amazing Bunion Fix!

  From time to time Edna and I like to send each other fun little ads and whatnot that have funny images or thoughts. I thought I'd share them here.

This is the amazing new bunion fixer! Not only is the product itself a true gem and I'm sure any lady would feel lucky to sport one (or TWO! Act now and get the second one free!!!), but I mean, hey, results speak for themselves! 

You can CLEARLY see in the amazing "before and after" illustration that this thing is like a miracle cure for bunion-y feet! Wow! Those results I wouldn't have believed unless they'd shown me this incontrovertible proof in drawing form!

Clearly in the first line drawing this person's foot hurt, people! Look at the crazy bump, the outrageous redness! Plus, it was giving off its own fire electricity! Ouch! 

And then, presto! Strap on this bunion tape and there you have it! A line drawing of a perfectly fine foot! Like magic! Works so well, these guys don't even NEED photographic before and afters!)

Well, I'm sold.  Hell, I'll buy two! Which, of course, means I'll get four... so I'll have to strap the extras on one of the kids or something, but I digress.  Only one little thing... I don't know if while I'm getting my toe "repositioned" with this velcro and band-aid contraption I'll be able to wear shoes... It looks like that little plastic doo-hicky on top might really hurt if I tried to wear actual footwear. Well, I'll just use my sandals, as who wouldn't want to show this miracle cure off? And what with these bunion-y feet, I haven't flaunted my toes in an age! 

Ask and you shall receive, one more celebubabe

Ok, so just yesterday I was wondering when Gwen Stefani was going to pop, and lo and behold, Zuma Nesta Rock was announced this morning! That's a boy.  Zuma Nesta Rock. Wow, where do I begin with a name like that? 

Doesn't seem to necessarily "go" with Kingston, but maybe they'll call him "Rock" so they both have a music vibe to them? I mean, both the first two names end in A, so they are a touch feminine, not that boy's names ending in A are necessarily girls names... but I did have to verify that it was a male child since the name itself would have suggested otherwise. Zuma for a girl I can see, what with it nearly being Uma, and having that fabu Brangleina last-letter-of-alphabet addition (Angie seems to favor those, I think... lots of Xs and a Z and now a V). I'm frankly still trying to get my brain around little baby Zuma, but perhaps I'm just too distracted by the similarity to "Zoomba", the new "latin dance-inspired" fitness class offered at my local Y (which no matter how many times they announce its arrival in pump class, still sounds crazy dorky to me). 

Or, it could be that she and Gavin felt like they really needed to fit in with music legend Frank Zappa on the fucked-up naming tip, or to really show that sassy little upstart Shannyn Sossamon with her son Audio Science (still my vote for worst name ever) that she ain't got nothin' on them! At any rate, thought it was worth noting that Gwen did, in fact, give birth this summer after what seems like the longest pregnancy ever.  Next up? Ben and Jen's new little bun.  I'm thinking boy for them. Any bets?

Also, still so don't care about Jessica Alba's baby or her getting pics in star rags, won't care if Eva Longoria is preggers, and is anyone else suspicious as to why JLo's still hiding her little accountants, I mean, Anthonys? They've gotta be looking better by now!

Update: Just read on perezzers that Nesta was Bob Marley's middle name, too. So there's that Jamaican connection to link the new one up with his big bro!  (People like theme naming. They really do. Which is not necessarily bad.)

Kreatif Baby Namin'

In congratulations to Matt Damon on his second daughter, Gia, being announced today, I thought I would go ahead and show the work I did earlier in the summer on the Social Security Administration’s popular baby name list-- which came out months ago now, but really, my summer all but flew by and I’m sorry it has taken me this long to do it. So, Edna, quit buggin’, here it is.

Now you all know I’m a total nerd when it comes to infantile nomenclature, so I anxiously await any list of popular names.  The thing about these lists, however, is that they are just straight numbers reportage, there is absolutely no analysis included (I guess that’s too much to ask out of the federal government). So, that being said, I went ahead and crunched the numbers for myself. I know, I know. How do I find the time, you ask? The answer, sadly, is child neglect. Ok, then, let’s get to it.

According to the SSA , Jacob remains the top choice for boys and Emily is the winner for the fairer sex.  Well, this is somewhat misleading. Because when one factors in all the various spellings of names and compiles like names together, things sort of change. Not a lot, but enough to be noteworthy. Also, when you consider names that rhyme with one another, that illustrate a societal love affair with certain sounds at a given time by a given population, the list gets even more interesting.  

So first off I compiled all the different spellings, which brought about another interesting point.  It seems that parents all over are dying to be “different” and choose unusual spellings for certain names in an attempt to show their creativity and individuality. 

But, when I took all the names that either were pronounced the same (Emily and Emmalee, for example) or were derivatives of one another (counting Nicks with Nicholas’, or Kate with Katherine/Kathryn/Catherine), things not only really took on a more accurate picture of what one would find in the kindergarten class of 2012 (remember the information available is for 2007), it also revealed that the top 1000 names aren’t actually 1000 names at all! (You heard me right, I analyzed that many. And remember, there are two genders, so I really I parsed 2000 names!) 

  In all our effort to be different and creative we had actually shrunk the pool of top names from 1000 to 586 names for girls and 653 names for boys. So in effect, we’ve actually reduced our top 1000 from 1000 individual names to nearly half that with all our “creativity”! (I should know, I have a “creatively” spelled popular name... word to the wise: all it does is cut you out of the pre-printed personalized pencil and bike license plate loop! Thanks a lot, Mom!) 

I also was interested in those names that reflect my generations shared adoration of certain sounds, most specifically, what I call the “Aidens” and the “Aileys”.  These are names that rhyme except for the first letter, ie: Aiden, Jaden, Cadon, Brayden, and Hayden for boys, BAiley, Hailey and Kaylee for girls (plus, all their myriad spellings-- you’d be surprised what people can come up with!).  So I have some analytical information on those names as well.  But will start first with the plain list that was released by the SSA and my compiled list. I will just do the top 25, as I had to choose somewhere to stop, and really there is a bookload of analysis available.  Plus things get a little boring at the bottom. (Speaking of the bottom, the last names on the compiled list are Olive and Marlen, for girls with 262 girls named either in 2007, and Leroy, Dandre, and Daxton for boys (with 191 boys each).

Download names_table_pdf.pdf

Ok, well, at first glance they don’t seem too different, seems like they are pretty much the same names.  But when you really look at it, Alexander shoots up to number one when you factor in all the different spellings and that some people just used the nickname as a name. And the biggest boy surprise is that Aiden (and all of its alternate spellings: Aden, Aidan, Aidyn, Adan, Adin, Aedan, Ayden, Aydan, and Aydin) rockets onto the list at all, landing at number 2!  So if you had relied on the SSA’s list you’d think, wow, I love “Aiden” and it is at #27 so it is only relatively popular, you wouldn’t realize that once all the Aiden sound-alikes are added up, almost 1 in 50 boys is named Aiden.  And then, if you add in all the “Aiden” rhyme names, that percentage of newborn boys named some variation of Aiden (#2), Kaden (#20), Jayden (#6), Hayden (#77) and Brayden (#36) skyrockets to 5% of boys.  That’s one in twenty baby boys named one of those names. That’s something the government won’t tell you, but then, that’s why you come to me!

As far as girls go, Alexandra seem to appear out of nowhere, but that is because when you take all the derivatives of that name (Alex, Alexandria, Alexis, etc, which I basically think are pretty much the same name as Alexandra), then it really boosts the popularity of girls who can be nicknamed "Alex". 

I’ll also let you know that the girls’ “Aileys” (Bailey, Kaylee, Hailey, etc) can really add up.  When taken together, our generation loves that sound so much we named 3.3% of our daughters one of those names (and an honest-to-God truckload of alternate spellings on those!). In general, we seemed to really prefer names that start with the K sound and end in Long E, Short A, or “in” so much 10% of American girls were given one of those names (like Katie, Kaylin, Carson, Karley, and on and on). Also worth noting, the spreading the love of the oft-overused “Madison”.  While still crazy popular, the alternate rhymer “Addison” scaled the charts as Madison’s apparent successor. Although you could make the case that a resurgence in the oldie but goodie Madeline was helped by the outrageously popular Madison.  (PS- if you don’t have a friend somewhere with a daughter named Madison, you need to get out more.)

Anyway, there is the list, with just a tiny bit of my first thoughts on it. If you have a question where any specific name came in on the compiled list, or would like me to email you a copy of it, just let me know. I really could go on and on about this stuff, so I’ll try not to publicly beat this dead horse. I don’t know if everyone wants the whole thing listed here or not. There are some really great ones on there. But bear in mind that since we are so “kreatif” with our spellings, there are a TON of names not on it. Like Ned.  Whatever happened to good old Ned? Then again, Ned is one of the many nicknames of Edward, which ranks #82. 

I’ll break out my list of names that go both ways (as in ambisexual) in another post, when I don’t have to pick up my kids from school in less than an hour.  That’ll be good.  Until then, say a toast to little Gia Damon, whose name is NOT in the top 500 (came in at 655 in '07), and her poor sister Isabella, who’ll have to always use her last name in class so she’s not mixed up for that other Isabella. You know, the one who doesn’t have a movie star dad! Whatever!  Until then, where the fuck is Gwen Stefani’s baby?!?! Shouldn’t she have popped that little fucker like a month ago!?!?! Can’t wait for that name announcement!! 

Oh, we’ll have to take bets on how far up Vivian/Vivienne move up the list for next year-- right now it is at #150 on the compiled list (with no Vivienne showing up on top 1000 yet!). And Knox! Ooooh, boy!

PS- You wouldn’t believe how many people MISSPELLED their kids names! Obvious ones: Micheal (for Michael) and Neveah -- supposed to be “Heaven” spelled backward, which is evidently all the rage in the heartland.  (Too bad spelling wasn’t.  Ooh. That was bitchy. Forget I said anything. I know, I know, there is no such thing as a “misspelled” name! Whatever you say,  Izayah.)

Email back up-- Hallelujah!

Considering my email is now working again (for some unknown reason my server just decided my password wasn't good enough anymore), this doesn't EXACTLY work for today, but gosh darn, some days I totally get where this guy is coming from.

First the good news...

Ok, so I'm about to lose my mind over the Mens 4x100 Olympic race last night! I could watch it over and over and over, and every time I get all teary-eyed and goofy-grinned! That was beyond perfection! For our team to come back and out touch at the wall in 8 one-hundredths of a second, shattering the previous world record by FOUR seconds, and at the same time beat out a team who had publicly trash-talked us and claimed they were going to "Smash the Americans", and then, the icing on the cake-- for that team to be FRENCH! Oooh la la! Parfait! By far the best swimming race I've ever seen, my heart is still beating from watching the replays on the Today show!

And now for the bad news... anyone who has tried to email me in the past four days has probably recognized that I'm not getting ANY email through. ANd it is not just the regular too-full mailbox issues from a sucky server who is trying to force us, all of a sudden, to upgrade mail (for years I never had to clear out that inbox, and now they allow me 100 messages at best before bouncing everything back! Puh-lease! I get 100 emails of total crap every two days!). NOw my server is not recognizing my password at all. The IT guys said they switching to another, less shitty, server soon. Did that switch happen and they just forgot to tell me? Who knows. At any rate, I'm trying to get ahold of our IT guys to put it right (Funny, they were all straight-to-voicemail on Friday afternoon. Real cool. They'll find out how cool it is to be cut off from email when I start blowing up phones at T-minus 38 minutes-- 8 AM). I'm hoping to be back in working order later this morning. Or else these IT geeks are gonna get a real handful of basketcase-with-no-email!

If you need me, I'm best reached by phone or text for the time being. Once again, I'm sorry for any inconvenience. Ok, I'm off to re-watch Michael Phelps lose his mind at his second gold again!