Current mood: ecstatic
Oh my god! I’m soooo happy to hear there is someone else out there as addicted to Rock of Love as me and The Old Man! For all of you who have not been following the trials and tribs of the love life of one Bret Michaels of the band, Poison, I say: Shame on You! And get thee to thy nearest On Demand tv and dial it up! Start with the first season, you’ll need the back story. Holy shiz! It does not get any better! In a nutshell, it is bascially like Flava Flav’s show "Flavor of Love" but for white trash (so, hello! I’m in!)
The best thing about Bret? If he even acknowldeges a lady on the show she seems to be mystifyingly obligated to soul kiss the man! In FRONT of everyone else, at length. It is oddly like a junior high party, where everyone is trying to out-French everyone else! I swear these bitches are giving lingual tonsillectomies!
Anyway, on to my thoughts on this week’s ep:
I was sooooo ready for Kristy Joe to hit the bricks this week! And oh fucking hell, there is nothing funnier than that idiot with the stars on her neck—the one who’s clearly already fucked him!! What’s her name? Daisy! Oh hell, when that girl sang the Star Spangled Banner, I thought I’d died and gone to morbid fascination heaven! She is so fucking hilarious!
And I love that trailer queen Destiney. Oh, it is white trash nirvana!!! And Bret—that poor guy is a glutton for punishment! I just saw in the paper a couple days ago that it was his birthday and I was like, OF COURSE! NOW I get why he’s always head-over for girls who wanna screw him-- and not in the way that they ALL eventually DO screw him, but more in the wow-Bret-you-are-so-easy-to-mind-fuck-way- its because he’s a Pisces male! All rosebuds and feelings! In a fucking hair metal package. God yes. (Although I LURVED Jess from last season—she rocked… but seriously, I think we all knew that the stripper Heather was a better fit…)
Oh, and evil has a new face and thy name is Megan! She is sooooo conniving! I love how back-stabby she is! When she took the "ugly" note off Bret’s door and hid it under the glass case! I nearly peed myself! Course, that man-girl Peyton... wow, I think a pic of her is in the dictionary under "coyote ugly". Anyway! Can you IMAGINE how Miz Thang Megan feels this week?!?! After almost being booted and then Bret being like, "I guess you can stick around Megan, since that psycho just totally fucking trumped my attempt to corner her… now I"m gonna go have a good long cry in my room!"
And holy bonanza! Have you ever seen such a blatant display of bipolar disorder than that twat Kristy Joe?!?! What the fuck was WITH the phone call to her "ex"… yeah, uh, Kristy, you crazy whore…they can only be EX-husbands if you’ve divorced them, and TOLD them that you’re split! I thought it was so great when she started talking about her dual restraining orders! Now if THAT doesn’t set off crazy alarm bells then dude, you may as well just pack it in!
And what’s funny is that he totally sees all that and comments on it and then just goes right ahead and lets the little guy downstairs CONTINUE to call the shots! Fuck, man! You’re Bret Michaels! You haven’t had enough purely sexual, random hookups in your life to STOP letting Red Rod in your pants choose your own adventure?!?! Whatever, the longer you keep being naive and emotional and following all those "deep connections" there will be hilarious fucking tv on!
PS-I got 50 bucks that sez Destiney has already blown Big John.
PPS- Did you notice the age progression of the uber-blonde, over-surgeried archetype? Daisy turns into Aubry (who looked suspiciously like Alexis Arquette...) turns into that French floozie Angelique! God, I miss Angelique.
PPPS- What the FUCK was up with Catherine’s hair!?!? She coulda been one of the smoking-hottest milfs EVER but she had to wear that retard Dynasty ’do!
|Currently listening : |
The Best of Poison: 20 Years of Rock
Release date: 04 April, 2006