Mariah Carey-- diva, poet, giant

Edna and I have a long-running disagreement about Mariah Carey.  She steadfastly defends her, while I cannot abide.  No, I'm not talking about Mariah's glass-shattering vocal range or any of that-- I'll give it to her, she can certainly sing.  I speak, instead, of how fucking gigantor she is, and yet simultaneously, how childlike. First thing's first.  Her size.

 There's no getting around it, Edna, Mariah Carey is akin to a wildebeest in stature.  Now listen, before you start getting all crazy on me-- I have nothing against tall women or rotund women! In fact, nearly every woman on the planet is taller than me as I'm only one inch taller than what Edna would probably consider midget (and thus horrifying and wrong). I have friends of ALL shapes, and we all beat ourselves merilessly for not looking more like Gisele and Angelina. 

 So I know the feeling of being outside the norm of quote-unquote desirability! In fact, I have a similar shape to Ms. Carey (not much waist to speak of, broad shoulders, etc-- I have yet to invest in new funbags, but my time's a' comin'!). That said, I also know that my figure dictates certain things.  IE, I cannot wear big Kentucky Derby hats.  I cannot tote around the au courant giant purses that seem to be everywhere this season.  If I did I would like like a pack mule. Fine.  I love big flow-y hippie shirts. However, they make me look like Violet Beauregard after the gum incident and so I avoid wearing them. There are certain things that my body has not cooperated with my mental images on.  Here's the problem with Mariah Carey.  It is not that she is gigundous-- and don't get me wrong, Mariah isn't FAT, she is just what one of my southern friends pig-headedly refers to himself as: "big-boned". He usually says this through a mouthful of hog, barbeque sauce running down his chins as he tries to keep his beer bottle from slipping through his greasy fingers-- it is that she shoves herself into clothes four sizes too small and 20 years too young! 

  She really is big-boned.  Have you SEEN the size of those fucking meathooks?!? How could you not? She flaunts them around like Porterhouses during every performance-- jazz-hands a flappin', waving her yardstick fingers at us. Unfortunately for her, she inadvertently calls attention to her overall gigundousness by holding them up in front of her face (only highlighting how fucking big her head is, although in comparison to the linebacker shoulders she's got, her head occasionally looks a little pinnish, particularly if she's slicked all her hair back.I know the feeling, trust me. I'm sporting that oh-so-sexy look right now).  

Now, I would be a real son-of-a-bitch if her size alone was what frustrated me to such a degree that I occasionally catch myself wishing harm to her. [Not BAD harm. Not stalker harm or anything. Little harm. Hemmorhoids. Canker sores. Alopecia. You know, that sort of thing.]

 My issue isn't her size, per se. It is how she uses it, or even how she misuses it.  Tall women are POWERFUL! They shouldn't act all weak and delicate.  And it pisses me off she tries to hide behind some little girl bullshit! Amazonian women should be strong and unapologetic. Mariah Carey acts like she just stepped off a school yard at recess whenever she's in front of a camera and it really irritates! Not to mention how she completely mistreats the public-at-large by wearing ridiculously small clothes!

There is no excuse for it. She's a gazillionaire. I've seen her place on Cribs! She gets free merch all over the place and yet only seems to keep the stuff that comes from Gymboree and Baby Gap! She's not fooling anyone into thinking she's not a giantess just because she refuses to shop outside the Missy section! If there is one celebrity who needs an emergency "very-special-episode" of What Not to Wear it is Mariah Carey. But, I think her love of miniature clothing is indicative of a larger problem. A dirty little secret the media industry has been keeping from us.  

Mariah Carey is fundamentally retarded. She has been developmentally stilted and reveals it in her weird-o rooms full of Hello Kitty shit and her love for tiny t-shirts and denim belts she thinks are skirts.  She acts like a little kid, and frankly, I feel sorry for that poor sucker who married her. You know he was thinking he was gonna be living the high life, rolling on the gravy train, eating his Count Chocula with a silver spoon, and all those other cliches.  He's a gold-digger, clear as Saran Wrap. And yet, I feel sorry for him now. I bet he wakes up scared to death about the crazy woman sleeping next to him in bed, wondering how he got there, wondering if she's gonna make him play My Little Ponies again today, or if she's going to roll over on him and squish him. 

As further evidence of Ms. Mariah Carey's undeniable, certifiable juvenile nature, I would like to present the following to you. It was the whole reason I started writing this today and then got a little carried away. Sorry.  All I wanted to share with you is this, from Mariah's book of poems, a few lines from her poignant poem, "The Unicorn".

I love my unicorn, he knows

  I am true,

My troubles go poof, my unicorn

  named Boo

 

Comments

[Bojan]

OMG!
You are probably the biggest idiot on the Earth,if you think that Mariah is all about unicorns,rainbows....
She knows very well what she wants.She is not a stupid person.She wouldn't be were she is if she was a stupid person.
Gold digger?Did you her about the world Love?No,because you are a midget or lonely?
No,don't tell me your a pathetic,desperate MANdonna(Midge) fan?Oh God,no?

[nicfit]

Bojan,
I'm sorry, I don't speak gibberish, so it took me a moment to decipher your comments. I might recommend a remedial reading comprehension class for you. I'm sure you can get government funding at a local community college conveniently located right along your regular bus route. One thing I'm curious about... what WERE you hoping to find when you googled "Mariah Carey 'the unicorn' poof"?

[Bojan]

Sorry for my bad English.I am not from US.
When I googled "Mariah Carey the unicorn proof" I certainly didn't expect to find mean and pointless comments.If I wanted to hear something like that I would probably go to Perezhilton.com.
But as any blog - hater,obviously obsessed with Mariah,you can just hope to live in the shadow of giant,poet,diva.
Because in the end of the day,Mariah is a diva,giant,poet,and who you are?
Who cares about you?

[Dv]

he-he-he-he-he-he.... breath... he-he-he-he-he.... Oh Mariah, Mariah... you surely bring the best out of those people who live in your deep dark shadows.

[nicfit]

Dearest Bo, (or should I call you "Boo"),

After much reflection and personal introspection following your last comment, I can only hope that one day I have fans as rabid and loyal as Ms. Mariah "Uni-Lover" Carey. I must admit, it is chilly here in her long shadow, and perhaps that frost is what fuels my icy derisiveness. Forgive me.

But please, before you untangle your hole-filled Hanes, do look around the place, and realize that my scorn is equitably bequeathed to a plethora of subjects, not just aimed toward your beloved. If it were, this blog would not be titled Nothing Sacred, but instead "Mariah-Carey-is-an-infantile-giantess-dot-com".

Since you are not a native English speaker, I feel it is only fair of me to tell you that "poof" is Limey slang for homosexuals. But perhaps you already know that.... What with Mariah lovers tending toward poofs and hot tranny messes. So, be careful with the typos!! Anyway, don't go-- I'm sure I'll soon write something offensive about someone you would like to offend. Until then, don't forget the spell-check!

Cheers!

[Bojan]

Dearest whatever-your-name-is,
Believe or not,I am not gay.I am healthy heterosexual,26 years-old boy.
And it true, You can only wish to have a fans like Mariah!Because we will always be there to support her and defense her.

[nicfit]

HAHAHAHAHA!

Holy Crap, Boo! You are funny! And tenacious! But maybe sarcasm doesn't translate?

Glad to hear you are feeling well!

SInce I've got you on the horn, I may as well ask: Where do you come from!?!? I've never encountered in all my life a "healthy" 26-year-old hetero who duels for the honor of Mariah Carey! What are your other interests? Is there a particular subject it would be okay for me to make fun of? Are you available to comment on all my postings?

Have a great day, Boo! XOXOX

(I think I'm becoming YOUR biggest fan!)

[Bojan]

Well, I am from Serbia.What are my other interests?
Well I just graduated from faculty of economy and hopefully I will soon start to work at my first job.
I am very into music:R&B,hip-hop,soul....
Yes,there are many male hetero Mariah's fans that grew up on her music,got married,started a family,but still supportive and enjoying in her music.
As highly educated,honest,good and loyal friend,good son and brother,there is not a single thing(about me) that you can make fun of it.
And have a good night,because here in Serbia is time for sleeping.
As would MIMI said:Bye,Bye.

[DV]

Oh.... he's so cute... like a hamster... with little fuzzy paws and skittish eyes.

[nicfit]

To My Serbian Boo,
Congratulations on your recent accomplishments! I hope that you can find something suitable. Ideally, something that will allow you to continue to stop in and read my blog to make sure that I haven't said anything about your sweet Mimi, or any other pop culture figures you have an affinity for. You have much to teach the rest of us of living in the shadows of well-deserving celebrities.

You do sound like a good friend, son and brother. I can only hope that Ace, Deuce and Trey turn out so chivalrous in the defense of their lady-loves. You are right, I wouldn't dare make fun OF you. But I'd be happy to make fun of something else FOR you! Hope you had a chance to look around and see that I poke fun of all sorts of things.

I'm off on vacation now-- take care of yourself, my Slavic pal!