Cougar Snacks

Warning: This post will bore men. You've been warned. Come back in a couple days for something for everyone.

Second: Sorry about that music-- it's from that silly "trim style" commercial I embedded in a post down below without knowing how to make the playing of the video optional. My apologies. Maybe when I find some extra time I'll learn how to properly embed video. Yeah, extra time. That'll happen. Oh, and what's your trim style again? I'm rocking mini-strip myself. I shaped all the plants in my entry courtyard identically to really advertise my preferred bush shape. But I digress.

So I'm feeling quite conflicted since I finally got off my arse and set up that Etsy site (if you haven't been yet, shame on you: nothingsacredbynic) and have found, guess what? No one is buying jewelry in this economy. Weird!  I've been stewing about it by relentlessly prowling facebook and other colossal time wasters.  And since I can't seem to find a single buyer online I've convinced myself I need to host my own jewelry party in the hopes that once someone is able to touch the wares they won't be able to live without them. So that has sort of spurred me on to get cracking making inventory for my hopefully-not-too-distant-future party. And the good news is that I'm actually making jewelry again! The bad news? I've been woefully neglecting writing anything or posting anything new to the blog. You see my consternation. 

I look back on all the time I wasted, before I had kids. When I could sit for hours on end and do absolutely nothing. I'm pretty sure one college summer I laid on my apartment floor for thirteen hours straight just staring at the ceiling waiting for something interesting to present itself to me (no a/c, it was hot as scotch bonnets in your Underroos, anything above 30 inches off the floor was like trying to breath in a kiln). Now, of course, I want to be always producing something and find I have not near enough time to do everything I want. I already neglect my kids enough, and really, would it matter if I had that extra thirty minutes a day I use to warm up some slop for dinner? In my heart of hearts I think, Yes. Yes, it would make all the difference in the world if those kids weren't monopolizing that precious half an hour by requiring being fed.  Selfish of them, really.

Anyway, I do feel bad for not being here, so I thought I'd do a fun little vapid post today. Perhaps I was inspired by TOM's new issue of Maxim (yeah, I always thought I'd marry a guy who subscribed to The Economist, but alas, car and hot chick rags litter my bathroom floor). Trumpeting the Hottest 100 Women Ever (bold claim, my testosterone-addled friends) it made me extremely wistful for the days of Tiger Beat. Mixed undoubtedly with my obsessive facebooking that keeps sucking me into "Top 5" lists of favorite cereals and blow job positions, all I can think up now are imaginary "Top 5" lists. 

So I thought it might be fun to throw up my Top 5 Cougar Snacks after spending FAR too long figuring out my Top 5 Favorite Actors. This list is different. By definition, Snacks cannot be based on substance. They are Cheetos and DIng-Dongs. Therefore this list is not at all based on acting ability. In fact, true acting ability may hurt a candidate for this acclaimed title. 

Following is a list of guys way too young for me to ever hold a conversation with, but hot enough to make me sit through horrible rubbish of film in the hopes of a shirtless scene. I warn you, it will NOT include that namby-pamby stink-bomb who played Edward Cullen in Twilight because for the life of me I can't figure out what's so damn attractive about him. His head is the size of Mercury and it looks like he gave up washing his hair for Lent and then didn't bother to start back up again come Easter. It will not include Zac Efron either, because while I can't deny he is pretty, one of the preconditions of the list is that the guys must at least pass for straight, even if they are total pole-smokers. Sorry, a girl has to have standards.

These guys all made the list by giving me a Brad Pitt-in-Thelma & Louise-pause. You know what I'm talking about. Where you saw him and were like, "What the fuck!?! Is he real? Who is that dreamboat?" (You didn't know I used words like dreamboat, didja?! I do. I learned it when I met TOM.) And then you sat extra long through the credits to figure out his name. 

Feel free to argue or add in your favorites (just click on the "comments" button-- I know you have it in you).

#1 Cougar Snack: Cam Gigandet 

Yeah, if you are a Twilight dork you'll know his as the "bad" vampire, but if you are just a plain dork like me, you'll recognize him from the crappy movie Never Back Down where he blessedly has no need for a shirt for most of his scenes and makes one wonder if he actually has more ab muscles than is normally found in human anatomy. Secondly, his name alone sorta makes me think he has an extra special treat in his pants. 

Cougar Snack #2: Taylor Kitsch

While he's currently starring in the crapfest movie Wolverine, he's better showcased (Ie likely to be without shirt) on the tv show Friday Night Lights. 

He's got a real sweet southern drawl, and sorta makes you wish you were back in high school. 

 Sadly, that is where my Top 5 list ends. I know. I could only find TWO hot guys in Hollywood that don't need to rely on anything other than their looks. Sooo sad when there are clearly so many actresses who make a living off only being hot. All the rest of the guys I evaluated only get hot when I factor in their personalities. That is so fucking sad. Maybe it says something about females? Or maybe just me? Maybe I'm a lame cougar. Maybe I'm not quite old enough to be an official cougar yet? 

I pondered throwing JT on the list, but let's face it, he's really not THAT cute in the face. His bringing sexy back has a lot to do with how well he delivers a line on SNL. James Franco could've made the list, but then he went and made me love him in Pineapple Express. Shia LaBeouf and Emile Hirsch were briefly considered for the hunt, but let's face it, they both can act (Transformers and Speed Racer notwithstanding). I'd like to add in Josh Duhamel-- he's certainly got the dumb down, but isn't he older than I am?!? That hardly makes him cougar bait unless the cougar you are talking about is roughly the age of Ann Margaret.

Lookit, I need some help here. Any suggestions? Can anyone tip me off to some completely vapid boy meat?

Stay tuned for the follow-up list Top 5 Oddly Attractive Cougar Meals, starring those oddball guys you just can't figure out why you like. Which might be considerably longer, and certainly funnier than this lame list was. I better just get back to the jewelry making.

Comments

[Lisa]

I'm liking the lips on that Taylor dude, they'd look good slurping on any of my body parts. I will def share any that I come up with. I'm old enough that the new James T. Kirk would qualify, but he may have star potential. And I think the new "Bachelorette" may have a boatload of vapid hotties if the shirtless previews are any indication, so I'll be watching just for the drool factor. I look forward to your upcoming list of the oddly attractive. I found myself transfixed by the rump of a much younger man just yesterday. And we accuse old men of being pervs? Someday I'll show you the photo of Colin Farrell I clipped from People Mag that I have posted on my bulletin board. He's strolling the beach in a soaked pair of swim shorts, which reveal quite clearly why he's so popular with the ladies. He definitely does not suffer from the Irish Curse. Speaking of which, here's another fun factoid about the famous and well-hung: Dana Delaney was quoted many years ago saying: "If you put Liam Neeson, James Woods and Willam Dafoe in a room together, you couldn't turn around."

[nicfit]

And that explains why Willem Dafoe deserves to be on the Hot 5 List of Men who are Oddly Attractive (But Not Young Enough To Be Cougar Bait).

I seriously considered the "New Cap'n Kirk", but I have yet to see the movie so I can't confirm fitness. Plus, don't know what the hell his name is.