Oh, the true thrill of discovery can rarely be as dumbfoundingly dazzling as this little gem from my trusty pal, Edna. (and it has a how-to video!!)
First off, let's give a shout out to all the preggos and new parents in the house shall we? Not only do you get to bring forth new life to utterly complicate and inconvenience your own, but you get to do it 2009 when the world's marketplace is literally flooded with product after product to "help" you out (luckily you are flat broke, so you buying this shit is really just an exercise in hypotheticals). Sure, there is the bane of my existence, but I'm always on the lookout for newer and more useless crapola to waste your hard-earned dollars on. Edna never lets me down.
Speaking of "letting down", this little treasure promises to whisk away all of a new mom's worries when that little trick of motherhood occurs. Because we all know what a total problem and heart-wrenching waste "letting down" can be.
Without further ado, I proudly present to you "Milkies".
Slim and portable, no one will even know you are
wearing it. Best of all — it collects your leaking
breast milk when you nurse, allowing you to store
extra breast milk effortlessly. When you have
breast milk available all the time,
you will never resort to formula.
Ok, really? Are they serious with this thing? I can only say "yes, sadly they are" because I've seen their five-minute videoexplaining how very much every new mom needs this contraption. (PS- Dear Milkies People: Next time try not to use actual pregnant women in your ads-- the facial swelling is just too much. Also, you may want to consider hiring a make-up artist for your "actors").
Just a couple things, because I know what a sensitive topic this can be and have no desire to get my house egged by a ninja group of La Leche League Nazi Bitches (That's the full name of the organization).
I can only assume a woman who would consider this is one of those women who leak milk nonstop and thus cannot think of anything else other than her dripping nipples. And for a woman like that, who is dissatisfied with the traditional nipple pads, is this really going to work for her day in and day out? Is a lactating mama expected to really wear this fucking plastic milk bag in her bra? And when the inevitable hormonal hot flashes occur, are we to believe that this thing will not slip around and spill a pint of milk down her front? And should I even venture a guess what one of these things smells like after a few hours riding around on swollen teats? Are the ladies supposed to constantly be dumping these "saving"? Because if not, let me tell you, things are gonna get pretty darn ripe, pretty dang fast.
Howabout the sound effects? What does a full one of these sound like when you walk around with 'em shoved in your bra? I bet is is not unlike my childhood piano teacher who was four years younger than ancient and when she sat next to you you could hear her insides sloshing back and forth like her entire body was not filled with organs, but a great, angry sea.
Furthermore, really? Are you encouraging even MORE post-natal psychosis by suggesting women need to be concerned about all that "wasted" breast milk leaking all over? They need to worry about that, too? As if all the rest of shit they have on their mind isn't enough, now you want to make them stress over spilt milk? And trust me, I've been there, that's exactly the kind of thing that could send a hormonal, flabby-bellied wreck of a woman into hysterics. Now she's gonna feel bad if she doesn't catch every last "precious" drop? Gimme a fucking break. We're now inventing things to be stressed out about. As if there isn't enough to worry about right now.
I have to add that I did hear from a certain, nameless source that these may come in handy for those women who pierced their milkers. Yep, you probably didn't know if you aren't pierced (luckily I have friends who love to "share"), but once you shove metal bars through your nipples and then try to breast feed milk literally shoots out like a sprinkler. Front, sides, everywhere. Yeah, that's not something they advertise in piercing shops. Although they probably should. I can see them now, big surgeon general warning posters, akin to the death knell affixed to cigs, hung next to the posters of tattoo-sleeved rock-a-billies and skulls. Plus, another smaller, screechier version put out by the La Leche League Nazi Bitches. Well, I'm sure it is only a matter of time before those warnings are legislated by Congress.
Another little known side-effect of the nipple pierce: If you want to fight, say MMA style, you gotta tape 'em down so they don't get yanked out. Yeee-owtch! Who knew there was such upkeep and consequences for an impulsive decision like nipple piercing? Not I, but thankfully I've got all these pervy friends...