Would you like some breast-milk in your tea, dear? Part 1

I don't know what it is but I can't seem to escape breasts/breast-feeding/breast milk all of a sudden.

First, I was bum-rushed at my club pool with a hot-tub milker, then I was treated to a first-hand look at Boulder's new topless lady law (it's A-OK with those hippies... only sadly there is no quality control on who is allowed to partake) whilst dining on Pearl Street with TOM. Sidenote: wearing a backpack and no shirt is not the most flattering of looks as you plan your fall wardrobes, ladies.

And now?? First off my friend, Hester, shares with me that while SHE was at the pool with her little 'uns the other day she witnessed a child getting a little teat treat who was old enough to then skip away and enjoy a PB&J.

Listen up, gals, if your kid is old enough to form full sentences do the public-at-large a favor and keep the suckling to the privacy of your own home, ok? We all have our different little ways of ensuring that our children will need mass amounts of therapy when they grow up, but those are called FAMILY SECRETS, and we'd appreciate not bearing witness to your sanctimonious over-the-top maternal instincts as you boldly eye anyone who dares to look your direction with that "SO? This-is-beautiful-and-you're-going-to-like-it-by-God-and-I-dare-you-to-say-something" attitude. Shewt, you're going to make us ALL need therapy for witnessing stuff like that. 

To make matters worse, after I heard Hester's tale of awkward, unintentional private-moment intrusion, I happened across a disturbing category of youtube vids on the subject. I was actually re-watching the hilarious video of mom my ride after accidentally catching a glimpse of my van's own rear portions. (I usually actively ignore it, even going so far as closing my eyes and blindly reaching in whenever I'm unlucky enough to get near the handy-dandy sliding rear doors or the awesome auto-lift back gate and I need to locate something. This method has bitten me in the ass on more than one occasion... "Boys? Is this a booger on me? Why is this all slimy? What the heck WAS this?!")

Anyhow, while giggling at the perennial youtube fave I notice that the suggested vids on the side feature a "how-to breastfeed" link. Say what?! There are videos on youtube about this?!

I told myself not to click. I just knew I'd end up on some government Big Brother list of porn users if I did. Youtube can't possibly be allowing people to upload vids of those most precious and sacred personal relationship moments between newborn and mother (to be done in at least relative privacy, por favor!), RIGHT?!!? But I couldn't resist. I HAD to click. And now, I only wish I could take it back.

Once you open up the world of breast-feeding on youtube there is no closing it back up. It is Pandora's Box, I shit you not. Video after video of various batshit crazy moms and dads who think it would be marvelous to share with the world this very special bonding with the world's most amazing baby ever birthed (their own, of course).

I'm pretty sure if I'd clicked through on the vid posters of this I'd find home movies on baby's first diaper mess, baby's first toilet shit, baby's hilarious spit-up video, and the piece de resistance of over-sharing: Mom's wacky episiotomy stitches!

Luckily, there was a plethora of WTF-- WHHYYY?? vids right there on that page. (Funny sidenote: I saw a sponsored how-to video produced by Gerber... who makes baby formula. I'm thinking the La Leche League Nazis forced them to post it to atone for them being in actual business. Next thing you know Pampers is going to be posting vids of how to make your own diapers out of newspaper!)

And there it was... the link to make me forget all about Two Girls & A Cup. And now, because I can't unsee this, I must share it so you can't unsee it.

 

OHHHH MYYY GAAWWDDDDDD! Make it stop, make it stop!!! 

Seriously, this lady puts them all to shame. Am I old-fashioned? A prig? A cold-hearted hate monkey for feeling so utterly revolted by this? Maybe so... but I'm not changing my opinion. This ain't right.

 

Comments

[Marni]

I don't have kids, but good heavens, I would think the moment they have teeth it's time to stop!

[dv]

I'm on my 4th nursing babe... none of my girls wanted to nurse much past a year. I would have had to physically hold them down to sit still that long. And after that point I think I was ready to separate myself a little more from them, plus I couldn't wait to get back into pretty bras.

So the other night my 1.5 year old had a major puke fest, since I'm nursing our newborn, I was able to pump and bottle feed some super food to her. She was able to keep it down, get something in her belly and finally sleep.

For that I was truly thankful!

I have seen that video before though... how??... I'm not even sure... but still nursing at 7? Yikes! Maybe I'm too selfish as a mother. I mean I've heard of drinking breast milk for cancer cures... but even with that... Do you really have to "nurse" the person for them to get the healing qualities of the milk? Not when they can drink from a cup.

Oh, I've got a good one for you to explore... Placenta Smoothies after birthing. :) You can thank me later.

[nothingsacred]

Hahahaa! I can just see you, laying atop of the big ones trying to hold their squirming body down! "Here! You take this! I don't care that you have homework right now! HOld still, darnit!! Now lemme just move this squirrel so you can get to it..." ;)

Also, I'm going to have to work up the courage on that suggestion of yours... this one alone made me lose my appetite. I may have to wait until massive weight-loss is needed to google Placenta Smoothies.