NothingSacred

Since "Muff Cut" was taken...

Despite getting nearly nothing done today, or perhaps because of it, I feel the need to at least pop a quick post up.  After my extraordinarily productive Tuesday, I suppose I should forgive myself for not getting more done. I did pay my property taxes today before 8 AM, so that is something, and after the anal raping I received on them, I probably should have just gone back to bed.

Ace was finally well enough to get back in school, but sure enough around lunch time the phone rang yet again this week with a call from the office. This time Deuce needed to be picked up. Hardy boy that he is, he didn't even puke in my car even after I drove him all the way out to Costco.  What a sweetheart. 

So to top off the stomach flu that has gripped the casa, I'm pretty sure I gave myself a combined affliction of tennis elbow and carpal tunnel syndrome planting all this infernal vegetation around the patios, and I'm now convinced after picking up yet another giant pile of cat puke, that I may have to get my little kitty in for bulimia counseling. 

Anyway, to try to get myself in a better mood I thought I'd share this special offer from our good pals at Schick, who to my knowledge have NOT taken any government bailout money and for that should be applauded.  The creative team in charge of naming new products, however, may need to get out of the office a little more, as they clearly have no idea that the word "trim" has multiple meanings.

 

I saw this revolutionary new personal grooming tool on a tv commercial, and you can believe the name immediately caught my attention. How happy  was I then to find a print ad of it in Sunday's paper?  Pretty darn happy. Not, strawberry ice cream on a hot day in July happy, but tickled nonetheless.

As you can see, this razor you can use on your legs and then flip it over, and voila! A waterproof bikini trimmer right there to handle your shaggy lady business! The idea is not a bad one, necessarily, but the product name "Trim Style" leaves those of us with pervy mindsets to immediately start questioning why they didn't just call it "Quattro: The Beav" or "Schick's Coochie Cutter".  I mean, "trim style" makes it sound like there is a catalog of "haircuts" you can do with this thing.

I think I might start breaking that out in conversation.  Like, "Yeah, what's your trim style?" or "Do you use product with your trim style?"

Also, I guess I've never figured out why one would need a specific razor for the bikini line as I've never had that much of an issue managing with the regular-size one I'm using on my legs. So, the product is sort of redundant, no? Can anyone clue me in to why a "trim styler" is a better way to prune the hedges? To me it seems sort of like attaching a ball peen hammer to the bottom end of a regular hammer. Could just be me. Whatever, this has definitely got me in a better mood. So there is that.

The Wentz Wince

First things first, I need to admit my bias right up front.  I don’t like Pete Wentz. I never have. He needs his ass kicked. Hard. If you don’t know who he is, don’t worry, you aren’t missing much.  Then again, you need to get out more, because it is hard to miss his over-exposed, kohl-rimmed eyed, tight-jeaned self. He’s from this pseudo-punky pop band, Fall Out Boy .  From what I can tell he is the Gen Y equivalent to Prince, or the generation before mine’s David Bowie. Minus the talent. 

At any rate, as most of you know, I like my men a little more alpha and a little less prancy. Certainly less eye-lined. And I swear to god, Pete Wentz needs to be taken out behind the woodshed for the cultural abomination of making teen boys think they will get laid (and in some cases I’m sure it works-- barf) for wearing fucking girl jeans.  You know what I’m talking about. You’ve seen the little fuckers at the mall, charging up the ‘rents credit cards, mincing about in their tapered, tight little denims,  affecting a sort of wanna-be pansy-punk emo pout that really begs for a butt-whoopin’.  When you see these little twerps, you can thank Pete Wentz.    Oh, and did I mention he’s practically a midget? And that alone keeps him on my gal Edna’s shit list (Eek! Midgets!). Basically he’s an Olsen twin with a bottle of black hair dye and testicles. Well, at least one. He's a breathing Bratz Doll, and now he has begat. God help us. 

It is for these reasons that I harbor a blood-lusty grudge against him and firmly believe he deserves a world-class ass-kickin. So imagine my happiness to hear that Jessica Simpson’s little sister, who used to be the ugly one ‘til a modern medical miracle landed squarely on her face, shat out a little Wentz for him last Thursday.  Let his ass-kicking commence! (He soooo doesn’t know what he’s in for! Gleeful excitement peppered with schadenfreude. )  

I’m sure you can imagine how quickly I clicked on the headline when I spied it on my iPhone thursday, and how hard it was to wait for the page to download so I could see the BIG news-- what did they name it?!!?

Bronx Mowgli Wentz.  A boy. 

Where, o where, do I begin?  How about here...

Nice try, you two.  But methinks you see yourself as a bit more than you are with this appellation, as evidenced by your clear mimicry of not one, but TWO  Hollywood “power couples”! Shame on you! This is the nomenclatural equivalent to yelling at a doorman, “Do you know who I am?!”  Bronx!  Are you kidding me? Desperate attempt to be super-original while clearly ripping off the ideas of others, this name screams “My parents were trying too hard”.  

 First off, The Beckhams named their first son Brooklyn, like NINE years ago.  The “named after a New York borough” meme? Soooo 2000.  Secondly, taking a tip from the Brangelinas by going with the masculine name ending in X, huh? Not cool. Not cool at all. Mr. and Mrs. Wentz should recognize that there are a finite number of such names available to the super-couple AND that the couple is clearly going to keep adopting and reproducing until their family resembles a large traveling band of gypsies. Thus, it is a real possibility that they’ll run out of names for their sons. Poaching one is soooo not ok.

Thirdly, just from a sound perspective, this name is horrible! Bronx Wentz? Ouch! Did these two monkeyfucks even bother saying it aloud before they condemned their firstborn with it? Aren’t they musicians? Shouldn’t they have chosen something at least a little lyrical? Something that rolls off the tongue rather than crashes off the teeth? Saying this name aloud sounds like a cross between a sneeze and a cat vomiting. A sound this gutteral is usually confused for a French-accented Yiddish curse. 

Fourthly. Wait, is that a word? Quarterly? (Whatever, you can see this ill-conceived choice’s folly goes on and on) Mowgli? Are you fucking joking? Don’t you think Pete’s parents had to leave the room to roll their eyes and snicker the first time they heard that? (God knows her pervy Dad was eye-ing up Ashlee's engorging mams and thinking dirty thoughts and thusly probably dumbly nodded upon hearing his new grandson's moniker, not listening, just jockeying for a better eyeful of swollen teat.) HAHAHA! When I first read it my mind immediately pictured Gremlins’ Gizmo swaddled tightly in hospital issue blankie, giant eyes just primed for daddy’s first lesson in  properly smudging “guy-liner” (I swear to god, that’s what he calls it. More reason to kick his ass).

But no. That’s not a Mowgli... that’s a Mogwai... my mind reached... what the fuck... how do I know it... it is something cutesy and child-related... oh! That’s it! The Jungle Book! The little brat from the Jungle Book is named Mowgli. Really?  No. Really?? Did you learn nothing from those LopAnthony twins being named after cartoon characters?!?

A quick side note, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett recently had their first baby.  A boy. Named Archie. Which any other couple in the world would earn a foul rebuke from me if they’d done that to their kid, but really, for this knee-slappin' duo, this choice is gold. Archie Arnett. All he does is crap and cry and already he’s hilarious. Accolades and hand-flourishy bows are all I can offer on it... and can’t help but wonder if they named him after Bunker or Jughead’s pal, or both. Or maybe even John Cleese’s character in a Fish Called Wanda.  Either way. LOOOOOVE it.

Back to the tool chest. Pete and Ashlee... you poor, sad little twits. The only thing I can think is that Fall Out Boy is doing a cover of "I Wanna Be Like You" , and Pete wanted the song to have extra significance or something. Whatever. This baby name gets one star out of five, for failing on both originality AND aural loveliness.  Ick. 

Course, that hasn’t stopped me from wishing the baby well (and by that I mean sending positive vibes that he didn’t get mommy’s REAL nose) and fed-exing out a Baby’s First MAC eyeliner.  Now, little Bronx, get to work kickin’ your dad’s ass. He totally deserves it.

Ask and you shall receive, one more celebubabe

Ok, so just yesterday I was wondering when Gwen Stefani was going to pop, and lo and behold, Zuma Nesta Rock was announced this morning! That's a boy.  Zuma Nesta Rock. Wow, where do I begin with a name like that? 

Doesn't seem to necessarily "go" with Kingston, but maybe they'll call him "Rock" so they both have a music vibe to them? I mean, both the first two names end in A, so they are a touch feminine, not that boy's names ending in A are necessarily girls names... but I did have to verify that it was a male child since the name itself would have suggested otherwise. Zuma for a girl I can see, what with it nearly being Uma, and having that fabu Brangleina last-letter-of-alphabet addition (Angie seems to favor those, I think... lots of Xs and a Z and now a V). I'm frankly still trying to get my brain around little baby Zuma, but perhaps I'm just too distracted by the similarity to "Zoomba", the new "latin dance-inspired" fitness class offered at my local Y (which no matter how many times they announce its arrival in pump class, still sounds crazy dorky to me). 

Or, it could be that she and Gavin felt like they really needed to fit in with music legend Frank Zappa on the fucked-up naming tip, or to really show that sassy little upstart Shannyn Sossamon with her son Audio Science (still my vote for worst name ever) that she ain't got nothin' on them! At any rate, thought it was worth noting that Gwen did, in fact, give birth this summer after what seems like the longest pregnancy ever.  Next up? Ben and Jen's new little bun.  I'm thinking boy for them. Any bets?

Also, still so don't care about Jessica Alba's baby or her getting pics in star rags, won't care if Eva Longoria is preggers, and is anyone else suspicious as to why JLo's still hiding her little accountants, I mean, Anthonys? They've gotta be looking better by now!

Update: Just read on perezzers that Nesta was Bob Marley's middle name, too. So there's that Jamaican connection to link the new one up with his big bro!  (People like theme naming. They really do. Which is not necessarily bad.)

Kreatif Baby Namin'

In congratulations to Matt Damon on his second daughter, Gia, being announced today, I thought I would go ahead and show the work I did earlier in the summer on the Social Security Administration’s popular baby name list-- which came out months ago now, but really, my summer all but flew by and I’m sorry it has taken me this long to do it. So, Edna, quit buggin’, here it is.

Now you all know I’m a total nerd when it comes to infantile nomenclature, so I anxiously await any list of popular names.  The thing about these lists, however, is that they are just straight numbers reportage, there is absolutely no analysis included (I guess that’s too much to ask out of the federal government). So, that being said, I went ahead and crunched the numbers for myself. I know, I know. How do I find the time, you ask? The answer, sadly, is child neglect. Ok, then, let’s get to it.

According to the SSA , Jacob remains the top choice for boys and Emily is the winner for the fairer sex.  Well, this is somewhat misleading. Because when one factors in all the various spellings of names and compiles like names together, things sort of change. Not a lot, but enough to be noteworthy. Also, when you consider names that rhyme with one another, that illustrate a societal love affair with certain sounds at a given time by a given population, the list gets even more interesting.  

So first off I compiled all the different spellings, which brought about another interesting point.  It seems that parents all over are dying to be “different” and choose unusual spellings for certain names in an attempt to show their creativity and individuality. 

But, when I took all the names that either were pronounced the same (Emily and Emmalee, for example) or were derivatives of one another (counting Nicks with Nicholas’, or Kate with Katherine/Kathryn/Catherine), things not only really took on a more accurate picture of what one would find in the kindergarten class of 2012 (remember the information available is for 2007), it also revealed that the top 1000 names aren’t actually 1000 names at all! (You heard me right, I analyzed that many. And remember, there are two genders, so I really I parsed 2000 names!) 

  In all our effort to be different and creative we had actually shrunk the pool of top names from 1000 to 586 names for girls and 653 names for boys. So in effect, we’ve actually reduced our top 1000 from 1000 individual names to nearly half that with all our “creativity”! (I should know, I have a “creatively” spelled popular name... word to the wise: all it does is cut you out of the pre-printed personalized pencil and bike license plate loop! Thanks a lot, Mom!) 

I also was interested in those names that reflect my generations shared adoration of certain sounds, most specifically, what I call the “Aidens” and the “Aileys”.  These are names that rhyme except for the first letter, ie: Aiden, Jaden, Cadon, Brayden, and Hayden for boys, BAiley, Hailey and Kaylee for girls (plus, all their myriad spellings-- you’d be surprised what people can come up with!).  So I have some analytical information on those names as well.  But will start first with the plain list that was released by the SSA and my compiled list. I will just do the top 25, as I had to choose somewhere to stop, and really there is a bookload of analysis available.  Plus things get a little boring at the bottom. (Speaking of the bottom, the last names on the compiled list are Olive and Marlen, for girls with 262 girls named either in 2007, and Leroy, Dandre, and Daxton for boys (with 191 boys each).

Download names_table_pdf.pdf

Ok, well, at first glance they don’t seem too different, seems like they are pretty much the same names.  But when you really look at it, Alexander shoots up to number one when you factor in all the different spellings and that some people just used the nickname as a name. And the biggest boy surprise is that Aiden (and all of its alternate spellings: Aden, Aidan, Aidyn, Adan, Adin, Aedan, Ayden, Aydan, and Aydin) rockets onto the list at all, landing at number 2!  So if you had relied on the SSA’s list you’d think, wow, I love “Aiden” and it is at #27 so it is only relatively popular, you wouldn’t realize that once all the Aiden sound-alikes are added up, almost 1 in 50 boys is named Aiden.  And then, if you add in all the “Aiden” rhyme names, that percentage of newborn boys named some variation of Aiden (#2), Kaden (#20), Jayden (#6), Hayden (#77) and Brayden (#36) skyrockets to 5% of boys.  That’s one in twenty baby boys named one of those names. That’s something the government won’t tell you, but then, that’s why you come to me!

As far as girls go, Alexandra seem to appear out of nowhere, but that is because when you take all the derivatives of that name (Alex, Alexandria, Alexis, etc, which I basically think are pretty much the same name as Alexandra), then it really boosts the popularity of girls who can be nicknamed "Alex". 

I’ll also let you know that the girls’ “Aileys” (Bailey, Kaylee, Hailey, etc) can really add up.  When taken together, our generation loves that sound so much we named 3.3% of our daughters one of those names (and an honest-to-God truckload of alternate spellings on those!). In general, we seemed to really prefer names that start with the K sound and end in Long E, Short A, or “in” so much 10% of American girls were given one of those names (like Katie, Kaylin, Carson, Karley, and on and on). Also worth noting, the spreading the love of the oft-overused “Madison”.  While still crazy popular, the alternate rhymer “Addison” scaled the charts as Madison’s apparent successor. Although you could make the case that a resurgence in the oldie but goodie Madeline was helped by the outrageously popular Madison.  (PS- if you don’t have a friend somewhere with a daughter named Madison, you need to get out more.)

Anyway, there is the list, with just a tiny bit of my first thoughts on it. If you have a question where any specific name came in on the compiled list, or would like me to email you a copy of it, just let me know. I really could go on and on about this stuff, so I’ll try not to publicly beat this dead horse. I don’t know if everyone wants the whole thing listed here or not. There are some really great ones on there. But bear in mind that since we are so “kreatif” with our spellings, there are a TON of names not on it. Like Ned.  Whatever happened to good old Ned? Then again, Ned is one of the many nicknames of Edward, which ranks #82. 

I’ll break out my list of names that go both ways (as in ambisexual) in another post, when I don’t have to pick up my kids from school in less than an hour.  That’ll be good.  Until then, say a toast to little Gia Damon, whose name is NOT in the top 500 (came in at 655 in '07), and her poor sister Isabella, who’ll have to always use her last name in class so she’s not mixed up for that other Isabella. You know, the one who doesn’t have a movie star dad! Whatever!  Until then, where the fuck is Gwen Stefani’s baby?!?! Shouldn’t she have popped that little fucker like a month ago!?!?! Can’t wait for that name announcement!! 

Oh, we’ll have to take bets on how far up Vivian/Vivienne move up the list for next year-- right now it is at #150 on the compiled list (with no Vivienne showing up on top 1000 yet!). And Knox! Ooooh, boy!

PS- You wouldn’t believe how many people MISSPELLED their kids names! Obvious ones: Micheal (for Michael) and Neveah -- supposed to be “Heaven” spelled backward, which is evidently all the rage in the heartland.  (Too bad spelling wasn’t.  Ooh. That was bitchy. Forget I said anything. I know, I know, there is no such thing as a “misspelled” name! Whatever you say,  Izayah.)

And The World Just got Two Pitts Prettier...

Of course it didn’t escape my attention that Angelina popped out the WonderTwins over the weekend, and I must go on record with my whole-hearted approval of the name choices.

I love the name Vivienne, especially that spelling, and had hoped to name my own daughter that... alas, my daughter arrived with a little extra something and so we decided to call “her” Trey. (Sidenote: The Old Man was not as enthused about my love for Vivienne as it evidently reminded him of skanky old stripper he used to know, but clearly TOM was wrong in this instance.)

As for Knox, I am slightly partial to it as my cousin just named his kid this last year and I’m sorry, but its just cool. I notice they are going with the whole boy’s names ending in X theme, and can dig it, but do wonder how that will pan out if they continue to expand the menagerie-- which by all accounts they intend to. Las ti heard before Angie got knocked up she wanted to get a little African to match up with Zahara. So, clearly Max and Jax are out since they rhyme with Pax, and I think we can count out Fox, too. I guess the next one will be Rex or Lex or Dex or something. Frankly, I kind of like the idea of a little African named Tex. Or maybe Phoenix, Lennox, Felix or Hendrix.

I do anticipate trouble though, as the expansion continues, there are only so many X names to go with, and by my estimation Angelina is trying to outdo Mia Farrow with this whole giant adoptive/birthed clan thing (being that Angelina seems to be hell bent on superlative living-- most beautiful, most charitable, worst accent, most mother-y, etc). I think Angie’s inherent need to compete with everyone on earth and show them that she is better and more perfect in all ways will lead her to at least go for 15 to top Mia’s 14 kiddos. Although, it seems thus far Angie has learned the Farrow lesson of not bringing home any Asian girls as they will me-so-horny grow up and steal their adopted dads. The only husband stealer in Angie’s house is Angie, by God!

I do like that she’s given all her girls names that can be shortened into really cute little nicknames. Z, Shy, and Vivi will surely run the roost. And I’m sorry, but the whole female world owes Angelina a debt of gratitude for replicating a son for Mr. Pitt.

Either way you know I’m checking Perez obsessively to see when the first pics of those little monkeys breaks. I can hardly sleep in anticipation! I’m praying for the boy to be dark-haired like his mama.

I’d also like to go on record saying that the name Knox will sky-rocket in popularity, as it isn’t even on the top 1000 list for 2007 (most recent figures). Maddox went from non-existent in 2001 (when Angie brought that lucky little son-of-a-gun home with her) to #325 for the decade (adjusted for spelling variances), and all the way up to #198 for 2007 (again, adjusted for spelling). I’m willing to bet Knox will debut on the top 1000 list at around 500 by 2009, and keep its ascent for the next few years. Vivienne will surely also catch fire, as it is even more mainstream than Knox.
Personally, I like that the Jolie-Pitt clan chose actual names and not things/ideas, as the recent celebrity naming by Jessica Alba (Honor) and Nicole Kidman (Sunday Rose) sort of left me cold, although it is miles better than those retard choices the LopAnthony’s made. Matthew McConnaughey didn’t fuck it up too badly with Levi-- it seems appropriate for a guy who can’t seem to find a shirt to name his kid after pants-- but TOM pointed out he probably just should have gone with his favorite catchphrase-cum-brandname J.K. Livin’ to be true to himself. J.K. Livin’ McConnaughey has a bit of a ring.

On the upside: we still have a preggers Gwen Stefani to look forward to this summer. She’ll surely come up with something amusing.

Hollywood Birthin'

Ok, so a story about Brangelina popping out those twins erroneously hit today—and sparked me to write this little diatribe (Point of fact, Angelina DID NOT give birth today, so any details about said birth in this post are wrong! And also-- I'm soooo not going to believe anything on Perezhilton again!):

So Angelina just popped out those twins. Girls. I'm sure it was via C-section with a side order of tummy tuck. I just know that's Hollywood's dirty little secret on "trimming up" after births, no matter how scant evidence I can find to support that theory (and don't think I haven't tried!). Plus, it explains why they ALL want C-sections!

I'm just not buying the "convenience of scheduling around our busy lives" bullshit or even that they want to choose their birth days for some sort of cosmic astrological reasons-- not all of them are THAT into astrology! I mean, really? None of them can schedule time off for birth? Really?! They didn't see that oh, sometime, around 9 or 10 months from now, I'm going to have to clear my calendar for a couple weeks?  Really?! Somehow the rest of us regualr folks can recognize that AROUND this date, give or take a couple weeks, I'm gonna be busy shittin' out a critter! REALLY!?!? Nope, evidently Hollywood moms (even ones not shooting films because they are, oh I don't know, VISIBLY pregnant) can't figure out how to hold out a couple weeks on their calendars for the blessed event without scheduling iron-clad, contract-bound appearances. Really?? We're supposed to believe that?!!?

There's just no way they aren 't getting some sort of extra little snip, suction and lift while they are birthing up these little creachlings.  (Added bonus: no torpedo heads, black eyes and bruiser punums on their kids so they are born camera ready!)  Yes, I'll give you that C-section rates continue to climb, but these women are SELECTING to do it with their first kids, MONTHS in advance! SUre, their publicists will tell you they were "emergencies", but c'mon! The C-section rate for stars has to be pushing 95%! I mean there are just TOO MANY for it to be anywhere near the regular rate.  A-listers Angelina, Xtina, Madge, Posh, Gwen, Gwynnie, Kates (Holmes and Hudson), Brit Brit-- they've all had them. B-,C-, and D-listers, too! Claudia Schiffer, Elizabeth Hurley, Denise Richards, Tori Spelling. The list goes on and on. In fact, it was harder to find a recent birth that WASN'T via C-Section! (Nicole Richie, oddly enough!)

It is Weird with a capital W.  It just is. And it sets off my extreme paranoia, making my bullshit detector beep like a reversing dumptruck! Listen folks, I'm a Pisces-- we do not ignore what we intuit! There is something else going on here, and I'm guessing it has something to do with looking good in bikinis in an extremely short amount of time post-partum!  Don't get me wrong, here, I definitely asked my doc this last time if I could schedule up one of these Hollywood deliveries and get me a little dose of plastic surgery to go with-- its nothing short of genius! (She ignored the request.)

On Naming,

   It has come to my attention that there is a recent celebrity baby naming incident that must be addressed. Let me first start by saying the subject of baby naming is just one of MANY things that I have definite (and vocal) opinions on—as if ya’ll don’t know that about me already!

   I should clarify that I LOOOVE names and naming. I always have. I am absolutely fascinated with all sorts of aspects of names—origins, popularity, meanings. Blame it on my mom for deliberately misspelling my name. I blame everything else on her anyway.

   As a child I fancied myself a budding author and would spend hours poring through name books to come up with characters names (hey, I was an only child after all, I had a lot of lonely time on my hands!). My characters tended to be just a little one-dimensional (they ended up having names only) and the plotlines… well, they were nonexistent. Yeah, I can’t say I ever actually finished a story, per se, but I did come up with some definite ideas on baby naming!

   I even created one of my pet peeves from all this: dissonant sibling names.  You know, names that just don’t go together. Like if you have a Gabrielle, her sister could logically be named Juliette cuz it sticks with the fancy French theme, but name her sister Fern and, well, that’s just mean. Why’d you do that, anyway? Or, if you have a Jonah, his brother could reasonably be named Elijah because of the matching ending, but a brother named Randy? Not as nice. Now I’m not talking you need to name all siblings with rhyming names or they all start with the same letter, in fact I heartily discourage that. I’m just saying if you’ve got a Madison, don’t name her sister Eleanor.

  It can be assured that I got some pretty crazy looks from the clerks at the Waldenbooks when I bought piles of baby name books as a sixth-grader. But I was well-informed on baby naming trends even back then. Sure, developing all these opinions and specific rules about naming at such a young age was rather facile and shallow since my actual naming experience was limited to my toys and pets. Little did I know the true anguish of choosing a life-long moniker for a screaming, crying, red-faced little being; a being that could demand therapy-bill reimbursement later on. Time (and three children) has taught me that it truly is a nerve-racking experience to name your baby.

   Let me also clarify my feelings on celebrity baby names—I am crazy fascinated by them! I look at every issue of Us Weekly for announcements of celebrity births. Not because I care who just got a new nanny for their baby’s daddy to diddle, or who is scheduling her tummy tuck, or who is hysterically crying in a hormone-induced rage, but because I’ve just got to know whether or not said celebrity has come up with a really cool, fucking balls-out name. And isn’t that what we demand from them? Shouldn’t we be able to expect that?? I mean, god bless Frank Zappa for bestowing the world with a Moon Unit and Dweezil. And Demi and Bruce, thank you! Rumer and Scout! For girls!! Sure, you lost your nerve a little with Tallulah, but two out of three ain’t bad—and really, if us plebs are going to steal one off of you, it will be the milder Tallulah anyway! Oh, and dear, sweet Shannyn Sossamon! Your career may fade away into indie obscurity, but the legacy of little baby Audio Science is something the world can treasure forever!

   Now I’ll give you things have been a little slow on the baby-naming front since the heyday of the summer of 2006 when we got little Suri and Shiloh, Kingston and Grier. And sure, we all turned our noses up when we first heard them, "Suri? What, like with a fringe on top?" "Kingston. Huh." but now… not that crazy. Some even sound pretty good.  And that is one of the jobs of celebrities (along with not eating, getting facial dermabrasion, and inventing crazy political causes that forget a minor thing called "eco-nom-ics"). One of my own brood was even influenced by celebrity baby naming, for Heaven’s sake!

   You see, I wanted to name Boy Child 3 Oliver to keep with a vowel theme. That idiot I married claimed that Oliver was a pansy name. I told him Oliver Hudson (Kate’s brother) sure was hot, and totally not a pansy. Which led to, "Hey! Hudson is a cool name". But then the old man took it one further and started tripping over Kate’s son’s name. And so after a screaming, cursing, red-faced birth to a screaming, would-be-cursing-if-he-could, red-faced son I left the naming up to the king of the castle.  He decided that Trey sounded a little tougher than Hudson, and since this little one showed up bellowing his lungs out and peeing on anyone in a three foot radius we’d go with Trey. It seems if he’d arrived shyly batting his eyelashes, and politely requesting a quick wipe-down and swaddling to take the chill off, we would have a little Hudson. {Author’s note: Accidents do happen! And while I’m officially DONE birthing, it is clear this lady only throws boys so I retain dibs on Hudson for any future miscalculations!}

   Ok, so on to the issue at hand. It has come to my attention from someone in my wide network of hilarity-seeking spies that there has been a recent celebrity naming that needs to be looked at. And how! Now let me just say, it has been a rather boring year so far with the exception of Nicole Richie who actually did a pretty good job with little Harlow. The name is fancy and classy and glamorous and all the things that Mommy isn’t but would like to be—and for that, I say Brava!

   Christina Aguilera, on the other hand… a little disappointed over here.  Max?  Seriously? Have you no friends with kids that could have tipped you off on just how over-exposed this name has become? Yeah, maybe ten years ago Max would cut it, but in 2008? For a celebrity’s baby?!? C’mon! Its so popular it has officially become a DOG name, for Pete’s sake! [From the Sixth Rule of Naming: Any name so prevalent on playgrounds that it causes mass confusion when yelled aloud shall be henceforth relegated to use by every fourth domesticated furball until such time that it falls out of favor]. Trust me on this, I have a dog-godson named Maxwell Vega.

   So now we find ourselves facing what may be the worst celebrity naming incident in recent history. It seems that JLo and Marc Anthony have named their spawn Max and Emme. (I still can’t tell if that rhymes with Emma or Emmy, but no matter, its all the same name anyhow!) Yeah. You heard me. Max and Emme. Not ONLY did JLo use the SAME name as Christina Aguilera, [which there ain’t NO excuse for that, sister! I don’t’ care what block you from! Once Xtina shat out that lil Jordan Bratman mess and called him Max, the jig was up! Even if you had dibs on the name Max way back from 2^nd grade, I’m sorry, she beat you to the delivery, the name is hers! (That said, I realize now that my earlier stance on Hudson is rather precarious, and ok, fine, if you do squeeze out a boy before I do and you want it, have at it. I KNOW how hard it is to think up good boys names that aren’t already overplayed, playa!)], but it doesn’t stop there with this naming mess! Get this: her twins have the same names as the little chumps from that gayhole cartoon DRAGON TALES!

..

   I KNOOOOW! I can’t believe it either! Clearly, JLo isn’t hip to children’s programming like the rest of us or else she would’ve known that she was not only naming her kids after cartoon kids but also that they are the WORST kind of shoot-yourself-in-the-head-it-sucks-so-bad cartoon kids! (Unlike, say, "Yo Gabba Gabba" which is amazingly, oddly cool, a little bit entrancing and might even pass for adult entertainment – not that kind, perv — after some doobage and a highball.)

   So yeah, coming from a woman so into naming she created a second name for HERSELF and her miniature little husband who cribbed his name from one of Western Civilizations great historical figures comes something so yawningly boring as Max and Emme and it turns out it is ripped off! Which perhaps shouldn’t be such a surprise considering Marc’s name, which, frankly, I’ll never forgive him for. Its not fair to get famous using an already famous name! That’s like guys showing up at American Idol and being like, "Hey! Call me Napoleon Bonaparte!" or "What up? You can just call me Mahatma Gandhi, yo!" Just adding a "h" doesn’t make us forget that we already KNOW that name, cheesedick!

   There is a conspiracy theory afoot that this may have something to do with the shared heritage of both the Dragon Tales doofuses (doofii?) and the LopAnthony Twins… yep. They are all Puerto Rican.  Coincidence? You decide. At any rate just at first blush I can think up two reasonable alternatives for them that get the same general feeling they are after but aren’t so frickin’ mainstream. Instead of Emme and Max, why not Esme and Rex? Huh?

    But here’s the bottom line, the cut to the quick, the inner of this outer that really matters to you and me (or, really, to Dena and me):

   Obviously we see that celebrities are major forerunners of baby names, and we KNOW that Miz JLo is quite the trendsetter herself. I think the writing is on the wall here, folks. It couldn’t be any plainer. Dammit, Dena! Take the donkey by the tail (I’m so sick of the abuse of bulls and their horns! Let’s give the poor beasts a rest!)!! This is yet ANOTHER sign… a sign that screams you MUST adopt two little black boys! And you MUST name them Willis and Arnold! You’ll be at the front of the trend! Get on it now!!! Both black adoption (thanks, Angie and Madge!) and TV character naming (holla, Jen and Marc!)!!! Welcome home, Willis and Arnold Drummond Vega. Welcome Home.

PS- Dena, I’m sorry if this is not all you hoped it could be, or if it prattled on and on too long. I hope you are not disappointed, but I take baby naming very seriously and that would be like me joke-blogging about Affirmative Action or something. There’s just some shiz that can’t be taken to lightly! ;-} Also, since the original On Naming Post was lost and I had to recreate an ENTIRE new one, I hope I have proved to you how very, very much I love you. Now you can have the brain back. I’m spent.