I did it. I participated in my first Fantasy Football draft yesterday. There was much adrenaline, some light sweating, a middling amount of cursing, and mild beer drinking. So all in all, it was fucking fun.
I figured it would be fun to play a team that was based on my previous post, where I ranked the 2013 players according to attractiveness, so I joined a random Yahoo league to try them out (I can't actually allow myself to use that list against opponents I actually know, because seriously... competitive).
It's fair to say all the people on this new league think I'm absolutely batshit, but you know, fuck 'em.
Without further ado, I proudly present to you my first fantasy football team, aptly christened "A Hawt Mess".
Conventional wisdom says pick your running back (RB) first. You'll remember how few hot RBs exist so I'm pretty sure this has to do with scarcity. Sadly, I got 8th pick (out of 10 people in the league), so I had to adjust my plan as my 1st round choice, Ray Rice, was already swooped up. So, I went for my QB, and I'm actually happy I did, because I got this sweet little nugget to lead my team:
Easy Peasy. Yes, I had him 3rd ranked for QB, but this Mark Sanchez guy is hurt and evidently sucks donkey dong and I do have some integrity... Evidence of that: I couldn't bring myself to pick Tom Brady (because let's face it, that guy is probably a collossal douche). So I technically got my #1 QB choice.
My second choice came up quickly as it snakes back from 10 to 1, so I grabbed up my #1 choice for RB as the RBs were flying off the shelves.
I probably could've left him for my 3rd round pick, but whatever, he was my top RB pick and I wasn't taking any chances since #2 (Ray Rice) and #4 (Adrian Peterson) were already long gone.
I just can't resist this guy in his glasses. So I picked up my #3 RB choice. Can't believe this yummy snack was still available! At this point I started to panic about my wide receivers, and would spend my next 3 picks on them.
I got him!! I got him!!! I woulda picked him twice if I could.
So, I did the next best thing and grabbed up his dee-lish teammate. I was a little bummed to have just missed out on Danny Amendola, but I happily added this stud to the stable. But now I had to start worrying about bye weeks and whatnot. Which got me thinking... are any of these guys bi? Let's face it, if any of the guys in the NFL are gay, certainly they're the ones on my team, because HOT. AS. FUCK.
My #4 wide receiver on my list, you can bet at this point I was pleased as fucking punch. Sure, the other guys in my league thinkI'm certifiable at this point, but they don't know the method to this madness. I'd gotten my QB, RBs and WRs-- all in my top five rankings!!! And I just love this guy. He's got this hipster street style that makes him look more arty than sporty. Like maybe when he gets off the field he's a part-time DJ or guerilla artist. At any rate, he adds some much needed hot-intellectual flavor to my team.
(I have no idea if he's actually smart. He could be a functioning retard for all I know. Remember, I'm shallow. This is based on looks alone.)
Yes!! For my 1st back-up RB, I swooped up my #6 pick. I think you can see why.
Picked up my #10 wide receiver choice. Started to sweat a little over when I should grab up my kicker. As you know, those pickings are slim.
At this point ALL the guys on my list were taken. Luckily Yahoo provides a small thumbnail pic of everyone left along with their stats and other useless information. So I had to click through the top remaining WRs and make some quick calls (as any good coach would, I guess). Of the players remaining at WR, and time ticking away on my draft clock, I snagged this guy, who also had a bye week that fit in. Heeheee. A "bi week" sounds like some experimental college hijinx.
I was a little worried to hold off grabbing up my #1 TE choice, but had been assured by a friend I could wait a looong time and still get him. He was right, and thank god, because I added this tasty yum-stick with glee. Plus, he plays for Cleveland and it's the least I could do for Edna and TOM.
My #6 TE choice was still available (I KNOW!! WTF are the rest of these guys in this league THINKING?!?!).
I needed another backup RB. This was another on-the-fly draft choice, but I gotta say after finding this pic... works for me.
At this point I was panicked that I hadn't grabbed pretty much the only kicker in the NFL fit to join my team, so you can imagine my relief in this hot pickup.
Pretty much all the Defense/Special Teams had already been taken, as well as anyone worth having as a backup QB, so I decided to take this and hope there wasn't a repulsive QB left for my final pick. I'll just hope these guys leave their helmets on the whole season.
Of the remaining QBs available that ranked relatively high on my list, this was my only choice. Yeah, I get the feeling he sucks, but he doesn't necessarily detract from the overall hotness of my team, so... drafted.
There you have it. The hottest fantasy football team in any league anywhere. I figure they call it FANTASY football for a reason, right?
Sidenote: After you draft through Yahoo they send you an email giving you a letter grade on your draft. They gave me a D, which couldn't be more fucking appropriate for this team if you ask me. I'll take the D from this team any day of the week, and twice on Sunday.
I'll keep you posted on how A Hawt Mess performs. And now I can focus on doing a real kick-ass draft for my actual team, Inappropriate Sack. Wish me luck! xo